Commonplace: Entry 1

Commonplace Book:

 

“Suddenly she is tiny; she has a tooth missing from the bottom row.”

 

She has a missing tooth in the bottom row and now suddenly looks tiny.

Changing the sentence by getting rid of the pause in the middle of the sentence made it feel more like a laundry list. The “and” makes it feel like you are just throwing in the fact that she looks tiny now.

 

She looks tiny and as if she was missing a tooth from the bottom row.

The sentence looses its urgency when you take out the word “suddenly”. And then adding in “as if” changes the factual information that she is missing a tooth to the idea that from your perception she looks like she is missing a tooth.

 

Suddenly she looks tiny also as if she is missing a tooth from the bottom row.

The “also” really makes this sentence loose its flow, it makes it feel like you’re taking a really sharp turn.

 

The two IC’s in general are very different, one being the idea that she is tiny and the other that she is missing a tooth, why were they put so close together to begin with? It seems strange to follow up on her characteristics like that, but at the same time puts some sort of mental image in your head about what this woman looks like.

 

 

 

“You are leaving me depressed, alone; the feel of you still on my tongue.”

 

With the feeling of you still on my tongue, you are leaving me depressed and alone.

With the sentence structured like this it just changes the whole focus. Originally the focus seemed to be on you being gone and that is what was making me depressed and alone. Now it feels as if you’ve been gone for a while and I’m still not over it all this time later.

 

With the thought of you still on my mind, you are leaving me depressed and alone.

Changing “feeling” to “thought” and “tongue” to “mind” really changed the whole idea behind this sentence. The passion and connection was lost in the first IC and it feels more like this could be anyone significant in your life not just a past lover.

 

And then changing the comma to an “and” makes the sentence loose the thought that the word “depressed” and “alone” are interchangeable and related. Structuring it with an “and” in between really separates the two words, it looses the power of the meaning behind the two words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I can take or leave executions. It’s not a job I like or dislike.”

 

Executions aren’t a job I like or dislike, I can take them or leave them.

This changes the focus of the two IC’s. One IC was focusing on the mans opinion of executions and then the second was focusing on his opinion of his job. Combining the two sentences and focusing the idea that executions are his job changes the whole look and feel. It doesn’t sound nearly as neat or clean cut.

 

I can take or leave my job. I don’t like or dislike executions.

Changing the order of “executions” and “job” changes the way you can view this sentence. First you think “oh okay, this guy doesn’t really care about his work” but then out of no where the next sentence is about his opinion on executions, which you have no context clues to tell you if that is his job or if it is a completely different thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I hear music no one else hears. I see things no one else sees.”

 

I hear and see things no one else does.

Shorting this to one sentence really looses the deeper meaning of what this person is feeling. It feels less personal and more like they are just stating a fact that they can do something no one else can do. Before when it was an IC.IC you felt as if they were trying to tell you something personal that they haven’t told anyone else before. To me this one feels more like they are bragging saying… oh yeah I have this and you don’t.

 

I see and hear music no one else does.

The way that this sentence is phrased makes it sound like this person is describing the neurological phenomenon of synesthesia. It totally changes the form and the idea that the person was conveying. Keeping these two sentences contained into one changes the entire context.

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