Exploring the Multifaceted Dimensions of Grief

When one thinks of grief the first thing that may pop up in their mind is more than likely, death. However, death is not the only way you can experience grief because it comes in different forms, physically, emotionally, and cognitively. From plants to animals, any living being can feel grief. Though death is the most common association with grief, losing someone is not the only way you can feel this emotion. You can grieve the loss of a job, losing passion for something you once enjoyed doing, or even your past self. Regardless of age, grief is a universal experience that everyone in the world has experienced at least once because it is an integral part of life. 

Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross known for her research work on death and dying helped pave the way for the care of terminally ill patients as well as changing the stigmatization against painkillers. She is also known for coming up with the Kübler-Ross model. This model proposed that there are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I first experienced grief when I was just three and my mother, my sister, and I were forced to leave our home and run away to Malaysia to escape persecution from the Burmese military. I don’t have the greatest memory of the journey or the life I had there before but I do remember feeling sad that we had to leave my father and our home. A few years after seeking refuge in the United States I experienced a much more permanent grief; losing my mother. For me, I did not experience grief until after she passed but my mother already experienced it the moment she was diagnosed with cancer. From the moment the words left the doctor’s mouth she had already begun grieving except it wasn’t her death she was grieving but instead, it was her health. She had lost something money could never buy and although there was a possibility that she could have recovered, she could never recover the time lost from when she was sick. 

            Kübler-Ross’s research focused mainly on death and coping with grief; however, these stages are not limited to death and can apply to any type of loss such as being fired, relationship break ups, or losing an item of sentimental value. In my mother’s case, she was grieving the health she once had as well as grieving the time she could have spent with my sister and me that was lost from always being away in the hospital.  A quote from Elizabeth Kübler-Ross that stood out to me and helped me understand the stages was when she said, “The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.” (Kübler-Ross ) Grief is not linear and the five stages are there to help us understand what we lost although the quote was specified to death by saying “the one we lost ”, it does not mean the five stages cannot also apply to non-death related matters.             

According to an article by Helpguide, there are around 12 different, non-death related experiences that can still be grieved including loss of financial stability, loss of safety, or even loss of health. Have you ever looked at old photographs of yourself from when you were younger or even just from months ago and thought to yourself, “Wow, I was so skinny” or “Wow I had so much hair back then”. For some, reflecting on their past self can help them see how far they have come and recognize accomplishments but to others, it can be harmful because they might start to compare themselves. They might begin to grieve how skinny they used to look and how they were so committed to the gym at one point in their lives but now they don’t even want to walk ten minutes to go pick up something from the store. Of course, as you grow older your body will inevitably change as well as your habits that can affect your appearance and how you look, but it is also inevitable that you will look back and compare your past self to your current self. You might grieve how young and youthful you used to look, how active you once used to be before you started having knee and back problems, how your vision used to be so clear etc. Missing how you once looked could send you down a rabbit hole of feeling sad and angry because you let yourself go or it could spark a drive in you to try and take initiative and change things. The way you grieve can come in many different forms and the stages are still applicable because you are grieving something that you once had. 

Similar to grieving your past self, you can also grieve losing passion for something you once loved or enjoyed doing. Take Barry Sanders, for example, a former Pro Football Hall of Fame running back for the Detroit Lions from 1989 to 1998. After ten seasons of playing, Sanders decided to retire which came as a shock to many people. He was a year away from winning the NFL MVP award as well as 1,457 yards shy of beating Walter Payton’s all-time rushing record. His reasoning was not because of an injury or getting too old but because he had lost the passion and love he once had for the sport. In an interview where he was announcing his retirement Barry said, “The reason I am retiring is simple: My desire to exit the game is greater than my desire to remain in it,” Losing passion for a hobby you once loved can also be considered a form of grief. You no longer have that need or want to pursue something you were once passionate about. I remember being in sixth grade and I wanted to play soccer but my family, specifically my aunt, discouraged me from joining because she had a ridiculous fear that “my womb would fall out”. I don’t know where her fear stemmed from but I remember being stubborn and adamant on playing so I tried out. I made the team and was ecstatic however, the feeling did not last too long. After weeks of complaining about my family never attending a single game, they decided to come and I immediately regretted it. Instead of being met with words of encouragement or praise for trying my family criticized and picked on me, “Why are you so slow?”, “how did you miss that goal?” or “You don’t even run for the ball.” All of their words began to discourage me, and I eventually lost the passion and determination I had to play soccer. To this day, I look back and wonder where I would be if I had just decided to play and not let their words discourage me. Eventually, I got over it and finished grieving over what could have been. It took some time but this specific form of grief for me was not as major as others and I was able to heal quickly. This is not to say everyone will get over grief quickly too but grief is not permanent and over time can be healed. 

Grieving is not linear as Elizabeth Kübler-Ross said. It is true because everyone grieves differently. How one person grieves and heals can drastically differ from another. A person can remain stuck in denial for months before moving onto anger for a couple of weeks and could potentially go back to being in denial or move on to a different stage of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve however, research shows that holding back grieving can prolong the healing process and make things worse. Healing is a gradual process and can take as long or as short of time as it needs. The best way to deal with grief is to first acknowledge how you are feeling. Instead of ignoring how you feel, embrace the emotions and recognize what might be some triggers to make you feel that way.  During this time, having someone you can reach out to for support can help. Grieving is human nature and can come in any form however, it is easier to label any minor losses as a minor thing to grieve over but that is not true. Any form of loss can be grieved and should be in order to heal.